Road Blocks

Beep...Beep...Beep

When a bus randomly starts making beeping noises and starts to slow down, you can pretty much guarantee that your journey will be longer than expected. The sleeping girls began to stir as everyone looked around to try to figure out what was going on.

Beep...Beep...Beep...

Silence. The beeping has stopped! Except that's only because the bus now is turned off and is in park. Out climb the drivers and Thai is spoken around me. I have no idea what is wrong with the bus but I'm not so sure anyone else does either. As the girls look around the noise in the bus rises as everyone decides they might as well have some conversation as we sit.



I turn to my seatmate, 15 year old "Tang" and we share some shaking of our heads and laughing. We both know we might be here for a while. I turn to the clock and see it's getting close to supper time and I turn back to Tang and ask her in my best Thai if she's hungry. Mai pen rai (I'm fine) she responds but within a few minutes some of the other girls start grabbing snacks from the back of the van and we begin munching on spicy chip sticks.

Time began to stretch and given my limited Thai and her limited English, there wasn't a ton to talk about after we'd already spent nearly 20 hours sitting together the past few days. My mind began to wander to the past week...

No one tells you before you arrive at a location just how hard it will be. You never know the problems or the struggle it will be until after you arrive. What's even more difficult is figuring out what is behind the problems while navigating the language barrier. For me when I arrived in Thailand, several things didn't add up, but no one seemed to explain any of it to me. The original job description that I had in my mind seemed completely off and I felt totally useless because what I was doing could just as easily be done by a Thai speaking person (a reason I've always been hesitant to SM was to go to a location where locals should be filling the job instead of enabling through foreign missions) so you can imagine the conflict raging in my heart at that point. Giving up and going home was a constant thought. I was hurting people back home by being gone so why would I stick it out here if I actually wasn't able to do anything that was truly needed?



A conversation with one of the oldest girls changed those thoughts for me. Randomly, she started telling me how different the shelter was a few years back when the staff was Christian. Currently, all of the staff but one are Buddhist, and the spiritual elements of the shelter (such as worships, Pathfinders, AY, and other fun activities) all but vanished when the new staff arrived. What she said next shocked me. You must understand, this is a teenager who you can tell thinks she's 100% an adult and doesn't need guidance. She told me that she missed these things. That she wished they would do them again, but she didn't see how that would ever happen. You can imagine my heart as I heard these things, for I have been praying to be able to do these exact activities. Suddenly, the lack of encouragement and support in adding to the girls' "busy" schedules made sense, and my feelings of being all alone in my mission finally added up. But what am I to do? Hours of conversation are needed with those overseeing the project from the head office to find solutions and then there is the wisdom and patience to find creative ways to add Christ to the shelter again, even though some in authority may oppose it. Was there anything I could do? Or was it all just hopeless waiting for a different reality than what I was waking up daily to?



Suddenly, an idea popped into my head as my mind traveled back to the present, yet I hesitated for a second. Maybe now wasn't the time and maybe I couldn't communicate the idea correctly. I shook my head. "Why not try?", I told myself as I turned to Tang. "Do you and me, khun and chan, want to pray for the bus to go, bpai, mai?" I folded my hands in hopes that it would help her understand. For a second, Tang just looked puzzled. Then, however, a light flashed in her eyes as she quickly nodded. Then we were there praying, her in Thai and me in English. Neither of us understood exactly what the other was saying except that we both knew we were praying for the same thing. I may have said amen, but in my head I kept praying. "Please Lord, please answer her prayers! You don't have to do this for me, I know you'll answer this prayer eventually but please God, answer it now for Tang's sake. For each of these girl's sake".  I've never felt so nervous after saying a prayer. I've never felt so in need for God to give an answer so quickly.

From down below, we heard the bus driver close the bus's engine door and climb back in. No one else probably had a second thought (this was his fourth or fifth time to believe it was fixed only to have the bus beep and stop working again. I, on the other hand, could feel my heart race. As he sat down I sent another prayer heavenwards and tried to breath deeply. I wondered to myself, Why does this matter so much to you?

The driver turned the key, and the bus started. No beeping noise yet but that didn't mean it wouldn't start within a few minutes. We waited as the bus started moving but this time instead of slowing down within 30 seconds, the bus driver kept on driving. The noise didn't return and hours later we arrived back at the shelter without any more mechanical problems. As I turned to Tang, I wondered if she realized what had just happened: the small prayer that had been answered but to me in such a big way.



You see, in addition to feeling as though I was making no spiritual difference in the girls lives, I had also questioned God a few weeks before as my grandfather lay dying. At that moment in time, I couldn't think of a single prayer that had been answered for me. The lists I make of people whose hearts I pray become open to God never seem to change from their agnosticism. Those sick never seem to be healed except for the ending of pain in death. The problems I pray about in my own life seem to circle around more than exit the round-about of my prayers. "Do you actually answer any of my prayers?", this very homesick and lonely missionary had asked.

Just like many prayers we have, God's answer may have taken longer than I had wished in the moment. Yet, His answer to the question on my heart was answered in a way that others could be a witness to what He was doing. I think of all the prayers I've offered about my situation here and all the tears shed when I feel everything is hopeless. Does God hear and know them? Of course He does and not only that but He is waiting to answer our prayers yet so often in the moment we give in to hopelessness or even worse, when He does answer our prayers, we don't even notice the miracles He showers upon us because we're so focused on the negative. Are we willing to stop, to look at everything to try to see His blessings He pours out on us, and use even the smallest of these opportunities to fulfill the calling He's placed on our lives?

Change

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a Student Missionary? Then close your eyes and imagine the following…

You’re sitting in a small and somewhat dingy government building to get the work visa you need to stay in the country you arrive in a few weeks ago. The warmth of the room makes you long to get back to Chiang Rai in the north where every room has an open window letting the air cool the stuffy rooms. In the morning you’re supposed to head to Chiang Rai, and you’re definitely ready to see the girls at the shelter again since you had to spend your birthday away from their smiling faces.  But hold on…what’s this about the work visa not being done? Didn’t the information get turned in when it were supposed to or was there lack of communication? So you stay in the hot and sticky city an extra day and have to wait another 24 hours before you can sleep in your “own” bed.

Just a normal day…here’s another:

You’re wringing the last bit of water out of your hair as you walk to find a broom to sweep your room. It feels so good to be clean again after a long day of sweating and traveling, and your apartment needs swept before Sabbath. Before you make it to the booms, a mob of laughing girls come and surround you as they welcome you home. Now off to your room and...Oh wait, change of plans. Stay in the dress you’re currently wearing for vespers in just a few hours, and come supervise/help the girls move a pile of dirt at a building project of the church’s with buckets and shovels. You’ll sweat a whole lot and need to take another shower before supper but at least there’s productive work, right?

It doesn’t stop there, though.

You’ve been told before you arrived that you’ll be teaching English to the girls but in addition to that you’re needed to teach music, acting, and just about anything else. You’re also needed to add more of a spiritual presence in the shelter, someone tells you but that doesn’t make a ton of sense just yet. Then you arrive and learn that the teaching of English is the most important thing to do, and if that’s all you get to, that’d be fine in the eyes of the staff. The girls are extremely busy with school, and free time to add in any other extracurricular activity seems impossible. As for God, isn’t church and Sabbath activities enough? You don’t need to add anything because the girls just “don’t have time.”

In reading this post you can probably guess where I’m going…Missionary life is always subject to change so be prepared for the unexpected…but actually…no. That’s not what has been on my heart. You see, being flexible with plans can be an easy thing in some regard. We may become irritated but you can simply learn to live life with an attitude of going with whatever happens. Even changes in dreams can be a thing to accept if you tell yourself enough that this must be God’s plan for you.

But what about when you’re the one changing? Either you seem to be changing too fast or you don’t seem to be changing at all. With each of the other “versions” of change, everything is external even if it may affect us internally. We see it happening and can simply adjust. But internal change is different. Many times we let a thought grow or let a word someone says to us impact us, and pretty soon we find we think differently than we did before. We leave frustrations in our heads, telling ourselves it doesn’t really matter, but the next time something happens to bring the frustration up, instead of remaining silent our thoughts bare their heads in ugly words.

On the flip side, we tell ourselves we just need to be a certain way and everything will be better but for once the words we tell ourselves just don’t seem to affect our hearts and behavior. We might even try adjusting our behavior, thinking surly this will change us, but instead when we look at ourselves we see that nothing seems to have really changed in our hearts and minds. Or what about the times when you know so deeply in your mind that something is one way and yet no matter how much head knowledge you have, your heart seems to always tell you contrary. For good or bad, it seems we change when we don’t wish to change and can’t change when we wish we could. Yet even deeper than each of these things is changing the way we look at ourselves or working against our insecurities. We wonder if these struggles will ever become something we’ll just know as the pain of an old memory and not a scab that reopens when it is touched just right.

This morning as I talked with my boyfriend, I mentioned some of my current frustrations with change. He posed a question to me that made me think and still makes me think even now. “If nothing does change,” he asked, “would you be okay with that?” What if my goals for being here in Thailand aren’t fulfilled to my satisfaction because my internal struggle with perfection doesn’t see the current situation as a success? What if the place where I want to get to in my relationship with God isn’t met within this year? What if I can’t stay positive in every situation and what if the things I struggle with at the beginning of the year happen to be the same struggles at the end? What if I still doubt myself as much as I do right now? What if my heart and my head still don’t align as they should?

The truth is, I don’t know if I would be okay with it…In my mind change needs to happen, and it needs to happen now! I don’t think I’m the only one who has ever thought that way. Over the past week and a half, I’ve read through more Psalms in that amount of time than ever before, going from the first to seventy-eighth, which I am currently reading and journaling through. A common theme that David and the other psalmists keep repeating is a need for change. David wants a new and clean heart in Psalm fifty-one but three psalms later he needs saving from strangers seeking to kill him. In the next psalm though, he is asking for deliverance from a friend that has turned into an enemy. Multiple times he asks God to change the words of his mouths and the thoughts of his heart. Even his sins, he feels, is impossible to change in Psalm thirty-eight even though that is exactly what he’s calling out for God to do. It makes you wonder if there was any change in David’s life since his complaints and requests to God don’t seem to change much in the first eighty chapters?

Considering that he keeps crying out to God, one has to assume there’s some sort of change 

happening or else why would he keep seeking God? Psalm 57:7 says “My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast.” In journaling I wrote besides this verse that David isn’t about to change who he puts his trust in even when things change as he wishes they would not or nothing changes when that’s all he wants. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, change is happening but in a “time zone” different from his own. He keeps his focus where it needs to be and trusts that God will do the rest. After all, what lasting change can David do that he knows will actually work out in the end? Within the Psalms David does mention time and time again when he has been changed or his situation was changed by God. It happens, even if it’s only in later years that David can look back and see the change that has happened in his life.

I don’t know why things in my life do not always change as I wish or why struggles remain the same. I don’t have answers for you and your own questions about change. All I know is to encourage you to keep calling out to Him. Even when you wonder why your requests seem to be on repeat, keep looking for change but trust Him in the moment when that seems impossible. Maybe the change we’ve been looking for isn’t quite what we think it should look like and yet it’s still there if we look hard enough. Let everything around you twist, turn, and change but let one thing remain the same.

Remain steadfast, my friends, and I’ll do my best to do the same.

First Impressions

Exactly a week has passed since my feet touched down on a new and very different continent: Asia! The past seven days seem more like a month to me and I’ve come to compile a list of things I didn’t expect in Thailand when I first arrived. Take a moment to read this list so you’ll be sure to be prepared for this country when/if you are able to visit.

1. It’s not that hot. Okay, so yes it certainly is hot but having lived in Georgia and South Carolina all my life, the weather in August is pretty similar to our own temperatures for that month. I don’t know if my body has already adjusted to the weather but having a fan on me constantly as I work makes me feel slightly chilled. Having the windows open to let in the breeze (a reminder of the South Carolinian breezes) keeps rooms cool enough during most days and making sure you’re wearing cool clothing helps on the very hot days. 
2. Being the minority isn’t as crazy as it is in other countries. Having traveled to Haiti and Egypt where having lighter skin makes you stand out and catch the eye of every native, being of non-Asian descent made me think that attention would always be drawn to me as it had been in those other countries but so far that doesn’t really seem to be the case. Chiang Mai, the city where I flew in to, has so many tourists and expats that nearly every race is pretty common to see. Now that I’m in Chiang Rai, going to the market does create many more glances but children don’t stare and traffic doesn’t stop (of which I am ever so thankful!) 
3. American Thai food is pretty accurate. It goes without saying that the food here (Thai food, in case someone thought that Thai food they get in restaurants is just a specialty) is pretty yummy (I haven’t had a meal that I didn’t like although some things have been very different, such as mushroom and lemon grass soup.) What has surprised me is that the Thai food I ate or even cooked while still in America is close enough for me not to notice a huge difference. I’m sure it’s possible that once I’ve lived here for eight months and head back home, I may hold up my nose at stateside Thai food but we’ll just have to see!
4. The Thai language is hard…really hard. Maybe this wasn’t a surprise but just a confirmation. Because Thai is a tonal language, one word can literally mean 5 things based on where you place the word. Add to it that I’m not really good at memorizing random sounds that have no meaning attached yet for me and you have one very lost farang (person of European decent.) The whole “you’ll start understanding another language in 6 weeks” seems pretty impossible at the moment but I guess stranger things have happened.
5. I’m emotionally scarred for life by witnessing fresh, live fish chopped up at the market. Okay, so I kid but it truly made my stomach feel strange witnessing this normal, everyday event. Actually to be honest, I didn’t watch exactly (averted my eyes, you know) but the sound was enough. The fish were spread out on a table, gasping for air, while others swam in a large bowl, enjoying what would be their final minutes if not seconds of life. A customer would walk by, select his fish, the butcher would set the fish ever so nicely on a round board, and then WHAM…bye bye little fishy…
6. Thailand is wonderful but it’s not home. Somewhere in some SM class I heard it said for the first few weeks of being at your new location, you’ll be in a sort of honeymoon phase and you’re feeling great. Yeah, that’s not true in the slightest (at least for me.) I haven’t gone a single day without waking up feeling anxious and missing my family and friends terribly…and to be more specific, my boyfriend. The days seem to drag on and I feel as though the next eight months will be a never ending journey that will lead me farther and farther away from the life I know. I’m not going to lie, distance is hard, especially on a relationship and knowing you’re the “cause” of the heartache doesn’t help much either. But praise God for the girls. They truly are the brightest spot in my day. When they come home at 5:30pm and I get to work on English with them as they help me with my Thai, sing and play songs in the little music room besides the kitchen, and just watch them interact with each other, it gives me the ounce of courage I need to keep getting up every morning. 

There are still so many things to tell you, so many things I wish each of you could see and lessons I’ve learned that I wish to share with you but I’ll end it for now. Hopefully this whets your appetite for the Land of Smiles and you’ll continue to join me on this adventure. 
Until next time, Sa-wai-dee, ka!

Broken Hearts

As the seconds tick away, I find myself trying harder and harder to hold back the tears, something that has become all too common over these past few days. The disappointments seem to keep stacking up and things that seem small have compounded into frustration and emotions. The one thing in the world that I love to do more than anything else, acting, I had realized was something that I would have to live without this summer. Now as I try my best to keep myself from crying, all the insecurities of the past year come rolling in and the doubts that I try to hide surface.

As I think back to the beginning of last year’s camp, I remember how although I felt unprepared for the summer, confidence wasn’t something I was struggling with. Yes, I knew that I didn’t know everything but I felt as though I at least had good answers to give to my girls. To put it simply, I felt secure. I knew who I was, where my value was found, and who would be there for me in times of need.

The summer flew by and the semester started, and before I knew what was happening my world was shaken. Every time I thought it was ending, the trembling would happen again and slowly but surely I realized that my heart was being captured and then broken as I seemed to just stand there and watch it happen.

Now in case you don’t know me well, you must know one thing: I love. People only have to know me for a short while to figure out that I am a passionate person and that everything I do comes from the depths of my heart. I can’t do anything halfheartedly or else I quit and direct my focus somewhere else. Once I’ve given my heart to anything, be it live or inanimate, taking that love away is harder than anything else I try to do.

And yet that’s where I found myself at the end of the semester: my heart broken and my love a jumbled mess. As I had done for most of the semester, I pushed it all back, all the time knowing that my heart was nowhere near being complete again. Things I had once believed to be true I now questioned even though my mind told me I was being silly for questioning such basic questions, but I pushed all those thoughts as far back as I could.

It wouldn’t last. Every once in a while something would trigger my emotions and everything would come rushing back. That’s exactly what this week has been like: the current disappointments only reminded me of my past failures. Even though I was surrounded by people who loved and cared so much about me, the pain didn’t go away.

With tears falling down my face I began to talk to God, something I’ve not done nearly as much as I should have these past few weeks. Like so many times before, I asked the questions of why.

“Why did you allow everything to happen like it did?”

“Why are you allowing this right now?”

“Why does my heart have to break?”

The answer to that final question was pretty obvious since that has been a prayer of mine ever since the second semester started. One of my favorite songs says “Make me broken so I can be healed, ‘cause I’m so calloused that I can’t feel. I want to run to you with heart wide open. Make me broken.” I’ve come to realize in a real way that it’s by being broken that we can finally give our will and desires to God. You see, the questions I asked were not at the heart of the issue. I knew that God could and would work though any situation and that He had even now begun to use all the little heartaches I had felt for His good.

No, my real question was “how can I love again when I’m so scared of being hurt?” Seriously, how do you allow yourself to love anything after you keep having your heart torn apart by various situations?

That’s when God answered.

No, not in an audible way yet the answer was still ever so clear.

Isn’t that what I have done?

It hit me like a ton of bricks: God had His heart broken in the most horrible way. His race of humanity turned their backs completely on Him and then every single day showed Him how much they had rejected Him.

And yet God is love.

Yes, God loved!

He loved us enough to be separated from His Son and to allow the sins of the world to be placed on His shoulders. He watched His own Son die. How could that now break His heart all over again?! Sin is still a problem that dwells here on earth and the separation still remains even though redemption is sure. When you think about it, God’s heart has been in a state of broken heartedness for over six thousand years!

But God still is love.

God loves!

I don’t understand God’s heart, as much as I wish I did, so I don’t know exactly how He could love us after all that has happened however I know that it is bigger than anything I’ve ever experienced. God knows that even if there is pain involved with loving people, the pain won’t last forever and there’s a joy someday soon that cannot even be imagined waiting for all who accept Him.

You see, I guess I’m coming to the point that I’ve realized that I can’t help but love. Yes, it’s scary and there’s a good chance that since we’re dealing with humans, there’s a chance you will get hurt, yet the God who knows what it’s like to have a broken heart will be with you every step of the way and promises to make everything beautiful in its time. I want my heart to be whole and I know that through God that can happen, even if it’s not until heaven. And maybe it’s because I’m broken that I can reach out to those who are broken as well.

You see, I too want to be love.

I want to love!

Love...

"She has a wandering eye."

"He was never faithful to her."

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

"I knew that relationship was doomed from the start."

Probably all of us have heard comments like this said about a relationship. Maybe we've even had it said of us or said it ourselves about someone else. No matter how much we love our fairy-tales of "happily ever after", we ask ourselves how many relationships actually end up that way?

As a child you dream of that moment when you meet your prince or princess you are destined to marry. Your diary becomes filled with endless wonderings about who that person will be and if you've already met that magical person. You have your first crush and eventually your first boyfriend/girlfriend, and you think to yourself that this is the person you MUST be destined for!

Then you grow up. Suddenly you realize that relationships don't turn out like every Hallmark movie you watch around Christmas time. Prince Charming isn't quite so charming when he's mad at you and Cinderella doesn't act quite so sweet when she's angry. The drama of musicals such as Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera seems like a walk in the park compared to real life!

Yet even with all these findings, most of us will decide to say yes when the question of marriage is proposed. We'll think that marriage will solve every problem! And then one day, some of us may wake up to realize that the perfect dream we had as a child has turned into a nightmare of cheating and divorce.

We live in a world where faithfulness means nothing, both before and after the marriage vows. "What's the problem with a little fun here or there as long as our significant other doesn't find out?" seems to be the thought of our generation. Love has warped into simply a feeling without any commitment. Is it crazy to at some point begin to wonder if it is even worth it to love someone?

So then why in the world does God talk so much about us being His bride?! 

Like seriously, couldn't God had found some better way of describing our relationship with him???

But the odd thing is, when God talks of us as His bride, He's not painting a perfect picture of a happily-ever-after kind of relationship. Truth be told, it's more the complete opposite! 

The bride that is described by so many of the Old Testament prophets is temperamental and self seeking. She doesn't understand the ways of her Husband and resents Him for that. She's unfaithful and even a prostitute. She's nothing that anyone of "good" reputation should desire or seek after. 

As horrible as this person sounds, isn't it sobering to think about how this describes our relationship with God? We're a good Christian most of the time, especially when people are watching, but how quickly we'll push Jesus aside when it comes to satisfying our own wants and desires. We don't understand why God allows certain things in our lives and begin to view Him as someone who really doesn't have our best interests at heart. How many times do we find ourselves being unfaithful to God and chasing after thing that we think will bring us satisfaction?

So why should God care about us if this is who we are? Why doesn't He just give up on the notion of love? Is it worth it?

This morning I found a verse that sums it up perfectly.

"'They say 'If a man divorces his wife, and she goes from him and becomes another man's wife, may he return to her again?' Would not the land be greatly polluted? But you have played the harlot with many loves..'"

If the verse stopped there, we wouldn't have any hope but it continues by saying, 

"'Yet, return to Me,' says the LORD."        

                                                                                                            Jeremiah 3:1

The power in the word "yet"! To God it doesn't matter how many times we've walked away or fallen down. It doesn't matter what situation we might be in because He still wants us to come back to Him. The story of Hosea is one of the most powerful stories of that redeeming love. It didn't matter that Gomer had left Hosea to return to prostitution and now was enslaved because of her own free choices. Hosea was still to go and buy her freedom and bring her back, not as a servant but as his wife once again. 

How God can have so much love I do not know, but one thing I do know: that love will never fail or run out. When you realize what that kind of love is like, how can you not return back to God? How can it not drive you to realize that His love is greater than whatever you're holding onto. And if it has the power to draw you back to Him, what else can that love do for you and every struggle you face?

For me, realizing that makes me see how unworthy I am to even receive it! After all my failings, how can God want me to return to Him? Doesn't He have someone better to consider His own?

But isn't that what love is all about? Love is being committed and devoted to someone despite their failings. Love is seeing someone as precious in your sight even if others don't see them that way because you can see their heart. Love has nothing to do with anything the other person could do or say and isn't based on feelings or desires. If you tried to describe love to someone who had never experienced love, they would become completely lost and could never understand it's depth until they themselves had experienced it. Add in the fact that love is always growing and maturing, suddenly love becomes even more complicated! If love is so hard to understand in its entirety, how then are we to understand it?

Maybe it's not about understanding love but instead experiencing it that we can actually begin to "get it." 

So I don't know about you, but I want to know the love of Christ. I want to return to Him every time I stumble, and day by day, I think I'll begin to comprehend the crazy and impossible to understand love Christ has for me.

Why?

The hallway is silent except from the occasional sob that escapes from my lips. I’m thankful there’s no one around to witness the tears coming out of my eyes. I look down at my phone sitting on the window sill with a text message still on the screen. A fresh wave of emotions sweeps over me.

One question looms in my mind. As much as I try to push it away, it comes back with even more fervency. Finally when I can’t take it anymore, I ask the question aloud as I raise my eyes to the sky.

“Why?”

No answer.

“Why am I here?”

Still silence.

“Why did you call me to stay here? I know you told me to stay, but why?”

You see, last semester I had an opportunity to study abroad in England. Taking a semester off to experience a different culture has always been on my bucket list and the opportunity seemed perfect. Every reason in the world seemed to be pointing to me going, but after praying hard about this, God kept impressing me over and over again that I needed to stay. Sometimes I would doubt if I was really hearing correctly, but in the moments where I felt His presence the closest, I always knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was to stay at SAU for this coming semester. There were people here at Southern that He wanted me to be there for.

Then the semester started. Everything was great and wonderful! I was having a wonderful time and God was opening doors for ministry that I hadn’t expected. Yes, I knew that I had followed God’s leading!

But then four weeks into school, everything began to change.

I began to question if it really was God’s will that I was to be here at Southern this semester. If it was His will, then why did everything seem to be going so wrong? Why was there more pain in my life and more pain in other’s lives because I was here at SAU? Had I studied abroad, would all of this have happened?

As I stood beside the window, I kept asking that question. Again and again I kept asking God “why?”

And then it hit me.

Why do I have to know the “why?” Why do I need to know the reasoning behind the calling of God? Would knowing why actually help or instead would it make me so focused on fulfilling that “why” that I would forget the other purposes God has for me and my life? If I knew the answer, would I find myself trusting in God less?

Give it all to me, God seemed to be saying, your doubts and fears, your pain and tears. Surrender it all to me and let me take care of the why. And in due time, perhaps you will see why I’ve called you here at this specific time. It’s through all of this that I can show you my love and you can trust me like you never have before.

Alright God, I’ll give it all to you. That was the prayer of my heart that night and it continues to be with each passing day. A verse that I have held onto during the past month is Proverbs 3:5, 6 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways submit to, and He will make your path straight.” That includes the times where everything around you seems wrong. As a friend once told me, sometimes you need to go blindly into the darkness until God shows you the light switch.

It hasn’t been easy! I don’t want to give God every situation or trust Him completely, especially in the dark. Some things seem too precious to completely give into His hands. Yet why do I hold on to them? What good can I, as a feeble human, really do to fix the problems in my world? Even though it’s a struggle, I have found that there is no better place to be at than with your life completely in God’s hands. It is not always comfortable, but there is trust that can only be found in Him.

So even though I do not have all the answers, even though I still wonder why God called me to stay here, I’m going to trust. Blindly and wholly on the Rock that is higher than I, who’s thoughts are better than mine, and who can hold me in the palm of His hand. 

Clinging

What do you do when life seems to be so normal and uncomplicated and then in one night, everything changes?

What do you do when you feel as though you are climbing Mount Everest with only a pick-ax and a old pair of tennis shoes, seeming to slip right back from where you came?

What do you do when you cry yourself to sleep, desperately wanting guidance from God yet when you hear the words from above, you're afraid to follow them?

What do you do when life seems confusing and troubling?

What do you do when you're emotionally spent yet something else happens to break you down again?

You cling.

You cling to Jesus as you never have before.

It's strange but it's always in these hard times that we see Jesus for who He really is: the comforter of the brokenhearted, the healer of deepest pain, the light in the darkest night. He never seems to be quite as real when the sun is shining brightly and life just seems to be perfect.

But it's hard to cling to someone you can't see.

It's so much easier to find comfort in those around, you yet that comfort never quite satisfies.

I love Proverbs 3:5 and 6 because of the power in it's words: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight."

We're so feeble as humans. Our heat and mind will say completely opposite things so how in the world are we suppose to decide what to do? Well, according to this verse we don't follow either. There's only one person in the world that we can put trust in and know that they can never fail us. He's the one that will guide us though whatever storm comes our way.

When reading the Bible, you have to wonder how people like Joseph kept his faith when everything fell apart or how John the Baptist could still have faith in Jesus the seconds before they put an end to his life. Now I've certainly never been under persecution or put in jail for following my God! Yet even in such tough times, they held fast to God. Nothing was going to shake their faith and through it their faith increased.

I want to cling to God. I don't want anything to shake me from His arms of protection and love. I want to know that He is always holding me. I know I can't do it on my own. My own grip is weak and trembling, but I know that although it may seem like I'm holding on to Him, He is actually holding on to me with His strong hands that will never, ever let go.

He's the one clinging.

He's the one that will not let me go.