The hallway is silent except from the occasional sob that
escapes from my lips. I’m thankful there’s no one around to witness the tears
coming out of my eyes. I look down at my phone sitting on the window sill with
a text message still on the screen. A fresh wave of emotions sweeps over
me.
One question looms in my mind. As much as I try to push it
away, it comes back with even more fervency. Finally when I can’t take it
anymore, I ask the question aloud as I raise my eyes to the sky.
“Why?”
No answer.
“Why am I here?”
Still silence.
“Why did you call me to stay here? I know you told me to
stay, but why?”
You see, last semester I had an opportunity to study abroad
in England. Taking a semester off to experience a different culture has always
been on my bucket list and the opportunity seemed perfect. Every reason in the
world seemed to be pointing to me going, but after praying hard about this, God
kept impressing me over and over again that I needed to stay. Sometimes I would
doubt if I was really hearing correctly, but in the moments where I felt His presence
the closest, I always knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was to stay at SAU
for this coming semester. There were people here at Southern that He
wanted me to be there for.
Then the semester started. Everything was great and
wonderful! I was having a wonderful time and God was opening doors for ministry
that I hadn’t expected. Yes, I knew that I had followed God’s leading!
But then four weeks into school, everything began to change.
I began to question if it really was God’s will that I was
to be here at Southern this semester. If it was His will,
then why did everything seem to be going so wrong? Why was there more pain in
my life and more pain in other’s lives because I was here at SAU? Had I studied
abroad, would all of this have happened?
As I stood beside the window, I kept asking that question.
Again and again I kept asking God “why?”
And then it hit me.
Why do I have to know the “why?” Why do I need to know the
reasoning behind the calling of God? Would knowing why actually help or instead
would it make me so focused on fulfilling that “why” that I would forget the other
purposes God has for me and my life? If I knew the answer, would I find myself
trusting in God less?
Give it all to me, God
seemed to be saying, your doubts and
fears, your pain and tears. Surrender it all to me and let me take care of the
why. And in due time, perhaps you will see why I’ve called you here at this
specific time. It’s through all of this that I can show you my love and you can
trust me like you never have before.
Alright God, I’ll give it all to you. That was the prayer of
my heart that night and it continues to be with each passing day. A verse that
I have held onto during the past month is Proverbs 3:5, 6 which says, “Trust in
the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings. In all
your ways submit to, and He will make your path straight.” That includes the times where everything around you seems wrong. As a friend once
told me, sometimes you need to go blindly into the darkness until God shows
you the light switch.
It hasn’t been easy! I don’t want to give God every
situation or trust Him completely, especially in the dark. Some things seem too
precious to completely give into His hands. Yet why do I hold on to them? What
good can I, as a feeble human, really do to fix the problems in my world? Even
though it’s a struggle, I have found that there is no better place to be at than
with your life completely in God’s hands. It is not always comfortable, but
there is trust that can only be found in Him.
So even though I do not have all the answers, even though I
still wonder why God called me to stay here, I’m going to trust. Blindly and
wholly on the Rock that is higher than I, who’s thoughts are better than mine,
and who can hold me in the palm of His hand.
