Beep...Beep...Beep
When a bus randomly starts making beeping noises and starts to slow down, you can pretty much guarantee that your journey will be longer than expected. The sleeping girls began to stir as everyone looked around to try to figure out what was going on.
Beep...Beep...Beep...
Silence. The beeping has stopped! Except that's only because the bus now is turned off and is in park. Out climb the drivers and Thai is spoken around me. I have no idea what is wrong with the bus but I'm not so sure anyone else does either. As the girls look around the noise in the bus rises as everyone decides they might as well have some conversation as we sit.
I turn to my seatmate, 15 year old "Tang" and we share some shaking of our heads and laughing. We both know we might be here for a while. I turn to the clock and see it's getting close to supper time and I turn back to Tang and ask her in my best Thai if she's hungry. Mai pen rai (I'm fine) she responds but within a few minutes some of the other girls start grabbing snacks from the back of the van and we begin munching on spicy chip sticks.
Time began to stretch and given my limited Thai and her limited English, there wasn't a ton to talk about after we'd already spent nearly 20 hours sitting together the past few days. My mind began to wander to the past week...
No one tells you before you arrive at a location just how hard it will be. You never know the problems or the struggle it will be until after you arrive. What's even more difficult is figuring out what is behind the problems while navigating the language barrier. For me when I arrived in Thailand, several things didn't add up, but no one seemed to explain any of it to me. The original job description that I had in my mind seemed completely off and I felt totally useless because what I was doing could just as easily be done by a Thai speaking person (a reason I've always been hesitant to SM was to go to a location where locals should be filling the job instead of enabling through foreign missions) so you can imagine the conflict raging in my heart at that point. Giving up and going home was a constant thought. I was hurting people back home by being gone so why would I stick it out here if I actually wasn't able to do anything that was truly needed?
A conversation with one of the oldest girls changed those thoughts for me. Randomly, she started telling me how different the shelter was a few years back when the staff was Christian. Currently, all of the staff but one are Buddhist, and the spiritual elements of the shelter (such as worships, Pathfinders, AY, and other fun activities) all but vanished when the new staff arrived. What she said next shocked me. You must understand, this is a teenager who you can tell thinks she's 100% an adult and doesn't need guidance. She told me that she missed these things. That she wished they would do them again, but she didn't see how that would ever happen. You can imagine my heart as I heard these things, for I have been praying to be able to do these exact activities. Suddenly, the lack of encouragement and support in adding to the girls' "busy" schedules made sense, and my feelings of being all alone in my mission finally added up. But what am I to do? Hours of conversation are needed with those overseeing the project from the head office to find solutions and then there is the wisdom and patience to find creative ways to add Christ to the shelter again, even though some in authority may oppose it. Was there anything I could do? Or was it all just hopeless waiting for a different reality than what I was waking up daily to?
Suddenly, an idea popped into my head as my mind traveled back to the present, yet I hesitated for a second. Maybe now wasn't the time and maybe I couldn't communicate the idea correctly. I shook my head. "Why not try?", I told myself as I turned to Tang. "Do you and me, khun and chan, want to pray for the bus to go, bpai, mai?" I folded my hands in hopes that it would help her understand. For a second, Tang just looked puzzled. Then, however, a light flashed in her eyes as she quickly nodded. Then we were there praying, her in Thai and me in English. Neither of us understood exactly what the other was saying except that we both knew we were praying for the same thing. I may have said amen, but in my head I kept praying. "Please Lord, please answer her prayers! You don't have to do this for me, I know you'll answer this prayer eventually but please God, answer it now for Tang's sake. For each of these girl's sake". I've never felt so nervous after saying a prayer. I've never felt so in need for God to give an answer so quickly.
From down below, we heard the bus driver close the bus's engine door and climb back in. No one else probably had a second thought (this was his fourth or fifth time to believe it was fixed only to have the bus beep and stop working again. I, on the other hand, could feel my heart race. As he sat down I sent another prayer heavenwards and tried to breath deeply. I wondered to myself, Why does this matter so much to you?
The driver turned the key, and the bus started. No beeping noise yet but that didn't mean it wouldn't start within a few minutes. We waited as the bus started moving but this time instead of slowing down within 30 seconds, the bus driver kept on driving. The noise didn't return and hours later we arrived back at the shelter without any more mechanical problems. As I turned to Tang, I wondered if she realized what had just happened: the small prayer that had been answered but to me in such a big way.
You see, in addition to feeling as though I was making no spiritual difference in the girls lives, I had also questioned God a few weeks before as my grandfather lay dying. At that moment in time, I couldn't think of a single prayer that had been answered for me. The lists I make of people whose hearts I pray become open to God never seem to change from their agnosticism. Those sick never seem to be healed except for the ending of pain in death. The problems I pray about in my own life seem to circle around more than exit the round-about of my prayers. "Do you actually answer any of my prayers?", this very homesick and lonely missionary had asked.
Just like many prayers we have, God's answer may have taken longer than I had wished in the moment. Yet, His answer to the question on my heart was answered in a way that others could be a witness to what He was doing. I think of all the prayers I've offered about my situation here and all the tears shed when I feel everything is hopeless. Does God hear and know them? Of course He does and not only that but He is waiting to answer our prayers yet so often in the moment we give in to hopelessness or even worse, when He does answer our prayers, we don't even notice the miracles He showers upon us because we're so focused on the negative. Are we willing to stop, to look at everything to try to see His blessings He pours out on us, and use even the smallest of these opportunities to fulfill the calling He's placed on our lives?
When a bus randomly starts making beeping noises and starts to slow down, you can pretty much guarantee that your journey will be longer than expected. The sleeping girls began to stir as everyone looked around to try to figure out what was going on.
Beep...Beep...Beep...
Silence. The beeping has stopped! Except that's only because the bus now is turned off and is in park. Out climb the drivers and Thai is spoken around me. I have no idea what is wrong with the bus but I'm not so sure anyone else does either. As the girls look around the noise in the bus rises as everyone decides they might as well have some conversation as we sit.
I turn to my seatmate, 15 year old "Tang" and we share some shaking of our heads and laughing. We both know we might be here for a while. I turn to the clock and see it's getting close to supper time and I turn back to Tang and ask her in my best Thai if she's hungry. Mai pen rai (I'm fine) she responds but within a few minutes some of the other girls start grabbing snacks from the back of the van and we begin munching on spicy chip sticks.
Time began to stretch and given my limited Thai and her limited English, there wasn't a ton to talk about after we'd already spent nearly 20 hours sitting together the past few days. My mind began to wander to the past week...
No one tells you before you arrive at a location just how hard it will be. You never know the problems or the struggle it will be until after you arrive. What's even more difficult is figuring out what is behind the problems while navigating the language barrier. For me when I arrived in Thailand, several things didn't add up, but no one seemed to explain any of it to me. The original job description that I had in my mind seemed completely off and I felt totally useless because what I was doing could just as easily be done by a Thai speaking person (a reason I've always been hesitant to SM was to go to a location where locals should be filling the job instead of enabling through foreign missions) so you can imagine the conflict raging in my heart at that point. Giving up and going home was a constant thought. I was hurting people back home by being gone so why would I stick it out here if I actually wasn't able to do anything that was truly needed?
A conversation with one of the oldest girls changed those thoughts for me. Randomly, she started telling me how different the shelter was a few years back when the staff was Christian. Currently, all of the staff but one are Buddhist, and the spiritual elements of the shelter (such as worships, Pathfinders, AY, and other fun activities) all but vanished when the new staff arrived. What she said next shocked me. You must understand, this is a teenager who you can tell thinks she's 100% an adult and doesn't need guidance. She told me that she missed these things. That she wished they would do them again, but she didn't see how that would ever happen. You can imagine my heart as I heard these things, for I have been praying to be able to do these exact activities. Suddenly, the lack of encouragement and support in adding to the girls' "busy" schedules made sense, and my feelings of being all alone in my mission finally added up. But what am I to do? Hours of conversation are needed with those overseeing the project from the head office to find solutions and then there is the wisdom and patience to find creative ways to add Christ to the shelter again, even though some in authority may oppose it. Was there anything I could do? Or was it all just hopeless waiting for a different reality than what I was waking up daily to?
Suddenly, an idea popped into my head as my mind traveled back to the present, yet I hesitated for a second. Maybe now wasn't the time and maybe I couldn't communicate the idea correctly. I shook my head. "Why not try?", I told myself as I turned to Tang. "Do you and me, khun and chan, want to pray for the bus to go, bpai, mai?" I folded my hands in hopes that it would help her understand. For a second, Tang just looked puzzled. Then, however, a light flashed in her eyes as she quickly nodded. Then we were there praying, her in Thai and me in English. Neither of us understood exactly what the other was saying except that we both knew we were praying for the same thing. I may have said amen, but in my head I kept praying. "Please Lord, please answer her prayers! You don't have to do this for me, I know you'll answer this prayer eventually but please God, answer it now for Tang's sake. For each of these girl's sake". I've never felt so nervous after saying a prayer. I've never felt so in need for God to give an answer so quickly.
From down below, we heard the bus driver close the bus's engine door and climb back in. No one else probably had a second thought (this was his fourth or fifth time to believe it was fixed only to have the bus beep and stop working again. I, on the other hand, could feel my heart race. As he sat down I sent another prayer heavenwards and tried to breath deeply. I wondered to myself, Why does this matter so much to you?
The driver turned the key, and the bus started. No beeping noise yet but that didn't mean it wouldn't start within a few minutes. We waited as the bus started moving but this time instead of slowing down within 30 seconds, the bus driver kept on driving. The noise didn't return and hours later we arrived back at the shelter without any more mechanical problems. As I turned to Tang, I wondered if she realized what had just happened: the small prayer that had been answered but to me in such a big way.
You see, in addition to feeling as though I was making no spiritual difference in the girls lives, I had also questioned God a few weeks before as my grandfather lay dying. At that moment in time, I couldn't think of a single prayer that had been answered for me. The lists I make of people whose hearts I pray become open to God never seem to change from their agnosticism. Those sick never seem to be healed except for the ending of pain in death. The problems I pray about in my own life seem to circle around more than exit the round-about of my prayers. "Do you actually answer any of my prayers?", this very homesick and lonely missionary had asked.
Just like many prayers we have, God's answer may have taken longer than I had wished in the moment. Yet, His answer to the question on my heart was answered in a way that others could be a witness to what He was doing. I think of all the prayers I've offered about my situation here and all the tears shed when I feel everything is hopeless. Does God hear and know them? Of course He does and not only that but He is waiting to answer our prayers yet so often in the moment we give in to hopelessness or even worse, when He does answer our prayers, we don't even notice the miracles He showers upon us because we're so focused on the negative. Are we willing to stop, to look at everything to try to see His blessings He pours out on us, and use even the smallest of these opportunities to fulfill the calling He's placed on our lives?
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