Broken Hearts

As the seconds tick away, I find myself trying harder and harder to hold back the tears, something that has become all too common over these past few days. The disappointments seem to keep stacking up and things that seem small have compounded into frustration and emotions. The one thing in the world that I love to do more than anything else, acting, I had realized was something that I would have to live without this summer. Now as I try my best to keep myself from crying, all the insecurities of the past year come rolling in and the doubts that I try to hide surface.

As I think back to the beginning of last year’s camp, I remember how although I felt unprepared for the summer, confidence wasn’t something I was struggling with. Yes, I knew that I didn’t know everything but I felt as though I at least had good answers to give to my girls. To put it simply, I felt secure. I knew who I was, where my value was found, and who would be there for me in times of need.

The summer flew by and the semester started, and before I knew what was happening my world was shaken. Every time I thought it was ending, the trembling would happen again and slowly but surely I realized that my heart was being captured and then broken as I seemed to just stand there and watch it happen.

Now in case you don’t know me well, you must know one thing: I love. People only have to know me for a short while to figure out that I am a passionate person and that everything I do comes from the depths of my heart. I can’t do anything halfheartedly or else I quit and direct my focus somewhere else. Once I’ve given my heart to anything, be it live or inanimate, taking that love away is harder than anything else I try to do.

And yet that’s where I found myself at the end of the semester: my heart broken and my love a jumbled mess. As I had done for most of the semester, I pushed it all back, all the time knowing that my heart was nowhere near being complete again. Things I had once believed to be true I now questioned even though my mind told me I was being silly for questioning such basic questions, but I pushed all those thoughts as far back as I could.

It wouldn’t last. Every once in a while something would trigger my emotions and everything would come rushing back. That’s exactly what this week has been like: the current disappointments only reminded me of my past failures. Even though I was surrounded by people who loved and cared so much about me, the pain didn’t go away.

With tears falling down my face I began to talk to God, something I’ve not done nearly as much as I should have these past few weeks. Like so many times before, I asked the questions of why.

“Why did you allow everything to happen like it did?”

“Why are you allowing this right now?”

“Why does my heart have to break?”

The answer to that final question was pretty obvious since that has been a prayer of mine ever since the second semester started. One of my favorite songs says “Make me broken so I can be healed, ‘cause I’m so calloused that I can’t feel. I want to run to you with heart wide open. Make me broken.” I’ve come to realize in a real way that it’s by being broken that we can finally give our will and desires to God. You see, the questions I asked were not at the heart of the issue. I knew that God could and would work though any situation and that He had even now begun to use all the little heartaches I had felt for His good.

No, my real question was “how can I love again when I’m so scared of being hurt?” Seriously, how do you allow yourself to love anything after you keep having your heart torn apart by various situations?

That’s when God answered.

No, not in an audible way yet the answer was still ever so clear.

Isn’t that what I have done?

It hit me like a ton of bricks: God had His heart broken in the most horrible way. His race of humanity turned their backs completely on Him and then every single day showed Him how much they had rejected Him.

And yet God is love.

Yes, God loved!

He loved us enough to be separated from His Son and to allow the sins of the world to be placed on His shoulders. He watched His own Son die. How could that now break His heart all over again?! Sin is still a problem that dwells here on earth and the separation still remains even though redemption is sure. When you think about it, God’s heart has been in a state of broken heartedness for over six thousand years!

But God still is love.

God loves!

I don’t understand God’s heart, as much as I wish I did, so I don’t know exactly how He could love us after all that has happened however I know that it is bigger than anything I’ve ever experienced. God knows that even if there is pain involved with loving people, the pain won’t last forever and there’s a joy someday soon that cannot even be imagined waiting for all who accept Him.

You see, I guess I’m coming to the point that I’ve realized that I can’t help but love. Yes, it’s scary and there’s a good chance that since we’re dealing with humans, there’s a chance you will get hurt, yet the God who knows what it’s like to have a broken heart will be with you every step of the way and promises to make everything beautiful in its time. I want my heart to be whole and I know that through God that can happen, even if it’s not until heaven. And maybe it’s because I’m broken that I can reach out to those who are broken as well.

You see, I too want to be love.

I want to love!