Broken Hearts

As the seconds tick away, I find myself trying harder and harder to hold back the tears, something that has become all too common over these past few days. The disappointments seem to keep stacking up and things that seem small have compounded into frustration and emotions. The one thing in the world that I love to do more than anything else, acting, I had realized was something that I would have to live without this summer. Now as I try my best to keep myself from crying, all the insecurities of the past year come rolling in and the doubts that I try to hide surface.

As I think back to the beginning of last year’s camp, I remember how although I felt unprepared for the summer, confidence wasn’t something I was struggling with. Yes, I knew that I didn’t know everything but I felt as though I at least had good answers to give to my girls. To put it simply, I felt secure. I knew who I was, where my value was found, and who would be there for me in times of need.

The summer flew by and the semester started, and before I knew what was happening my world was shaken. Every time I thought it was ending, the trembling would happen again and slowly but surely I realized that my heart was being captured and then broken as I seemed to just stand there and watch it happen.

Now in case you don’t know me well, you must know one thing: I love. People only have to know me for a short while to figure out that I am a passionate person and that everything I do comes from the depths of my heart. I can’t do anything halfheartedly or else I quit and direct my focus somewhere else. Once I’ve given my heart to anything, be it live or inanimate, taking that love away is harder than anything else I try to do.

And yet that’s where I found myself at the end of the semester: my heart broken and my love a jumbled mess. As I had done for most of the semester, I pushed it all back, all the time knowing that my heart was nowhere near being complete again. Things I had once believed to be true I now questioned even though my mind told me I was being silly for questioning such basic questions, but I pushed all those thoughts as far back as I could.

It wouldn’t last. Every once in a while something would trigger my emotions and everything would come rushing back. That’s exactly what this week has been like: the current disappointments only reminded me of my past failures. Even though I was surrounded by people who loved and cared so much about me, the pain didn’t go away.

With tears falling down my face I began to talk to God, something I’ve not done nearly as much as I should have these past few weeks. Like so many times before, I asked the questions of why.

“Why did you allow everything to happen like it did?”

“Why are you allowing this right now?”

“Why does my heart have to break?”

The answer to that final question was pretty obvious since that has been a prayer of mine ever since the second semester started. One of my favorite songs says “Make me broken so I can be healed, ‘cause I’m so calloused that I can’t feel. I want to run to you with heart wide open. Make me broken.” I’ve come to realize in a real way that it’s by being broken that we can finally give our will and desires to God. You see, the questions I asked were not at the heart of the issue. I knew that God could and would work though any situation and that He had even now begun to use all the little heartaches I had felt for His good.

No, my real question was “how can I love again when I’m so scared of being hurt?” Seriously, how do you allow yourself to love anything after you keep having your heart torn apart by various situations?

That’s when God answered.

No, not in an audible way yet the answer was still ever so clear.

Isn’t that what I have done?

It hit me like a ton of bricks: God had His heart broken in the most horrible way. His race of humanity turned their backs completely on Him and then every single day showed Him how much they had rejected Him.

And yet God is love.

Yes, God loved!

He loved us enough to be separated from His Son and to allow the sins of the world to be placed on His shoulders. He watched His own Son die. How could that now break His heart all over again?! Sin is still a problem that dwells here on earth and the separation still remains even though redemption is sure. When you think about it, God’s heart has been in a state of broken heartedness for over six thousand years!

But God still is love.

God loves!

I don’t understand God’s heart, as much as I wish I did, so I don’t know exactly how He could love us after all that has happened however I know that it is bigger than anything I’ve ever experienced. God knows that even if there is pain involved with loving people, the pain won’t last forever and there’s a joy someday soon that cannot even be imagined waiting for all who accept Him.

You see, I guess I’m coming to the point that I’ve realized that I can’t help but love. Yes, it’s scary and there’s a good chance that since we’re dealing with humans, there’s a chance you will get hurt, yet the God who knows what it’s like to have a broken heart will be with you every step of the way and promises to make everything beautiful in its time. I want my heart to be whole and I know that through God that can happen, even if it’s not until heaven. And maybe it’s because I’m broken that I can reach out to those who are broken as well.

You see, I too want to be love.

I want to love!

Love...

"She has a wandering eye."

"He was never faithful to her."

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

"I knew that relationship was doomed from the start."

Probably all of us have heard comments like this said about a relationship. Maybe we've even had it said of us or said it ourselves about someone else. No matter how much we love our fairy-tales of "happily ever after", we ask ourselves how many relationships actually end up that way?

As a child you dream of that moment when you meet your prince or princess you are destined to marry. Your diary becomes filled with endless wonderings about who that person will be and if you've already met that magical person. You have your first crush and eventually your first boyfriend/girlfriend, and you think to yourself that this is the person you MUST be destined for!

Then you grow up. Suddenly you realize that relationships don't turn out like every Hallmark movie you watch around Christmas time. Prince Charming isn't quite so charming when he's mad at you and Cinderella doesn't act quite so sweet when she's angry. The drama of musicals such as Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera seems like a walk in the park compared to real life!

Yet even with all these findings, most of us will decide to say yes when the question of marriage is proposed. We'll think that marriage will solve every problem! And then one day, some of us may wake up to realize that the perfect dream we had as a child has turned into a nightmare of cheating and divorce.

We live in a world where faithfulness means nothing, both before and after the marriage vows. "What's the problem with a little fun here or there as long as our significant other doesn't find out?" seems to be the thought of our generation. Love has warped into simply a feeling without any commitment. Is it crazy to at some point begin to wonder if it is even worth it to love someone?

So then why in the world does God talk so much about us being His bride?! 

Like seriously, couldn't God had found some better way of describing our relationship with him???

But the odd thing is, when God talks of us as His bride, He's not painting a perfect picture of a happily-ever-after kind of relationship. Truth be told, it's more the complete opposite! 

The bride that is described by so many of the Old Testament prophets is temperamental and self seeking. She doesn't understand the ways of her Husband and resents Him for that. She's unfaithful and even a prostitute. She's nothing that anyone of "good" reputation should desire or seek after. 

As horrible as this person sounds, isn't it sobering to think about how this describes our relationship with God? We're a good Christian most of the time, especially when people are watching, but how quickly we'll push Jesus aside when it comes to satisfying our own wants and desires. We don't understand why God allows certain things in our lives and begin to view Him as someone who really doesn't have our best interests at heart. How many times do we find ourselves being unfaithful to God and chasing after thing that we think will bring us satisfaction?

So why should God care about us if this is who we are? Why doesn't He just give up on the notion of love? Is it worth it?

This morning I found a verse that sums it up perfectly.

"'They say 'If a man divorces his wife, and she goes from him and becomes another man's wife, may he return to her again?' Would not the land be greatly polluted? But you have played the harlot with many loves..'"

If the verse stopped there, we wouldn't have any hope but it continues by saying, 

"'Yet, return to Me,' says the LORD."        

                                                                                                            Jeremiah 3:1

The power in the word "yet"! To God it doesn't matter how many times we've walked away or fallen down. It doesn't matter what situation we might be in because He still wants us to come back to Him. The story of Hosea is one of the most powerful stories of that redeeming love. It didn't matter that Gomer had left Hosea to return to prostitution and now was enslaved because of her own free choices. Hosea was still to go and buy her freedom and bring her back, not as a servant but as his wife once again. 

How God can have so much love I do not know, but one thing I do know: that love will never fail or run out. When you realize what that kind of love is like, how can you not return back to God? How can it not drive you to realize that His love is greater than whatever you're holding onto. And if it has the power to draw you back to Him, what else can that love do for you and every struggle you face?

For me, realizing that makes me see how unworthy I am to even receive it! After all my failings, how can God want me to return to Him? Doesn't He have someone better to consider His own?

But isn't that what love is all about? Love is being committed and devoted to someone despite their failings. Love is seeing someone as precious in your sight even if others don't see them that way because you can see their heart. Love has nothing to do with anything the other person could do or say and isn't based on feelings or desires. If you tried to describe love to someone who had never experienced love, they would become completely lost and could never understand it's depth until they themselves had experienced it. Add in the fact that love is always growing and maturing, suddenly love becomes even more complicated! If love is so hard to understand in its entirety, how then are we to understand it?

Maybe it's not about understanding love but instead experiencing it that we can actually begin to "get it." 

So I don't know about you, but I want to know the love of Christ. I want to return to Him every time I stumble, and day by day, I think I'll begin to comprehend the crazy and impossible to understand love Christ has for me.