Unmasked

Love is a magical thing.

Oh I hear the sighs and the "oh brother" statements coming from you guys but before you judge my thoughts towards relationships, hear me out. One sentence cannot describe the overflow of my heart.

When I first began dating my beloved, everything was pretty magical. Not many people end up saying yes to the dating question as the sun rises over a hundreds year old Medici manor in Florence Italy. Few people can go from a single thought of "He really is cute and attractive" to "Wait, could he feel similar" to "Let's pursue this and see what happens" within the course of less than 10 days and then have that sunrise happen exactly a week later. Was it rushed? From the outside it certainly seemed that way and even to us it seemed to be a whirlwind, but even now with hindsight, I have no regrets. We had talked for hours, prayed a good bit, and since we already were friends, it all seemed to be the way to go. Even the summer was pretty perfect even in the moments we realized neither of us were by any means perfect. Even more talking and more time spent by each others sides progressed our relationship so that by the time I shipped off for Thailand, we both were counting on this love to last forever.

But then a funny thing happened. Long. Distance. Relationship...

I don't know how many of you have gone through something similar in your past (or even present) but my condolences to you! Am I right when I say that NO ONE every prepared you enough for that experience?

In math there are always equations that just don't seem right. Like when you're just learning Algebra and suddenly x and y decide to join in on the fun and you're staring at the page wondering how anyone ever thought this could equal an actual number. That's what those first few weeks, okay at least the first month if not more seemed. For our relationship equation, you have two people who both have quality time and physical touch at the very top of their ways to feel loved. You also have two people who find that being long distance has brought to light the fears and hurt of past relationships. Not to mention one of them happens to be very emotional and gets stressed out way to easily (I'll let you guess who...) Add to the mix a heavy school load for one and a rough SM placement for the other and nothing seems to be adding up correctly.

We'd argue, sometimes cry, and wish desperately that we could just end this distance by one of us hopping on a plane and being reunited again. The most frustrating thing was that we always seemed to have conflict over the same things. And the really silly thing about it is most of those things were us wanting to plan the future but seemingly disagreeing to how it should be. I knew relationships were hard, but this hard? Don't get me wrong, I loved him just as much as I had when I boarded the plane for Asia if not more and he was just as assured of our future as he had been the first time he called me his Ishti (a Hebrew word...you can look it up if you want.) As much as we wanted to make this year be a growing experience for the both of us, I wondered if it might just be the opposite. Would we have to wait a whole other year to be able to work through the sadness that being apart had caused?

Then something happened. Our relationship began to change...and for the better.

As humans we like to put up wall or wear masks. Try to appear as put together as possible even inside we feel like we're falling apart. It's not that it's a healthy thing, we know from stories like Phantom of the Opera that masks are definitely a bad thing...if not even deadly...but we still choose to avoid vulnerability. It's so much easier to keep up a front, right?

I don't know if it was just that point in a relationship, wisdom beyond our years from God, or just how things ended up happening (I'd bet my money on the middle of the three options, by that's just my two cents), but our walls began to come down. After a particularly low moment we decided to be completely honest with one another when it came to how we felt about various situations. Now you might be thinking, Oh my! Here comes all the dirt and ill feelings from the past several months but the complete opposite was the case. You see, when we had held things inside (particularly this is true of me) those were the moments when hurtful words would form or assumptions were made based on a single comment. It was when we explained our feelings, even our doubts and fears, that suddenly more walls came down. Some of the things we had been thinking, silently and not so silently, suddenly didn't actually apply anymore. Our disagreements actually were more or less us agreeing but in different ways. Sure, there were still situations that we might prefer different outcomes but what was at our hearts in all of them were nearly always identical. No more silence, tears, or side comments. As we looked into each other's face (via video cam), the problems didn't seem so big anymore.

It should be noted that I'm not saying in a relationship every secret must be told. Are there times when silence may be best? Both me and my boyfriend would agree that sometimes there may be a need for that but i think our culture, if not humanity itself rarely pushed that line. More than not, it is honesty and true openness that people find themselves so hungry for. Perhaps problems can arise from being too open but at least in my experience they arise more from the silence of stubbornness and the fear of allowing yourself to truly be known.

You see, as we we kept ourselves in this venerable place, more "problems" arose. Our struggles and mistakes, both past and present found a voice and yet once again, instead of separating us or pushing us away, we realized our struggles we so similar. Sometimes even identical. And for me that's been currently what I see as the most beautiful parts of our relationship. As we grow closer together we've found ourselves to be so much more flawed than either may have realized before and yet because of this, we have been given the greatest gift: growing and becoming stronger together. It is as if our lives, once so seemingly different and separate from each other, has been imperfectly yet in a perfect way joined together so we don't walk alone anymore as God working in both of our lives.

Like most things I've learned since I said yes to my love last May, I'm amazed at how connected all of this is to my relationship with Christ. Over the past year, ministry has crowded so much of my mind and time that becoming distant from God actually became easier than one would imagine. Being open with Him changed into simply a list of what I needed from Him and a constant struggle with why the problems in our relationship (me and God) never seemed to change, never seemed to grow. How much I think Satan uses ministry sometimes to pull us away from Jesus. We pull away because to be vulnerable before God us just about as painful as being vulnerable in front of anyone else. We hunger and thirst after Him but just enough so that we get by enough to make it through another day. But what he wants is openness. Not because it's a mystery to Him but because it's by being honest with Him that we can acknowledge our true condition and realize the long months that we've tried to walk the Christian life alone.

For me the past few weeks in our relationship have been the most beautiful yet even as the questions sometimes remains. My dear beloved is more perfect to me than he ever was before all this began. I'm learning his heart, flaws and all, and I'm so blessed to be a part of it. Every day is one day closer to our forever, a forever I'm so glad has begun even now.

The same is true of my relationship with God as I realize just how far I've grown from knowing Him as my friend. He seems my flaws better than even I see them myself and yet somehow He can take joy in me and my "mess." I don't want to see Him anymore as my boss or motivational speaker. He's not room service to "fix" my life or a doctor that I only show up to when I actually see my need. No, I want Him to be my Beloved, my Life, and my Heart. He's my forever and it's a forever that's just beginning.

Do you want the same?