Broken Hearts

As the seconds tick away, I find myself trying harder and harder to hold back the tears, something that has become all too common over these past few days. The disappointments seem to keep stacking up and things that seem small have compounded into frustration and emotions. The one thing in the world that I love to do more than anything else, acting, I had realized was something that I would have to live without this summer. Now as I try my best to keep myself from crying, all the insecurities of the past year come rolling in and the doubts that I try to hide surface.

As I think back to the beginning of last year’s camp, I remember how although I felt unprepared for the summer, confidence wasn’t something I was struggling with. Yes, I knew that I didn’t know everything but I felt as though I at least had good answers to give to my girls. To put it simply, I felt secure. I knew who I was, where my value was found, and who would be there for me in times of need.

The summer flew by and the semester started, and before I knew what was happening my world was shaken. Every time I thought it was ending, the trembling would happen again and slowly but surely I realized that my heart was being captured and then broken as I seemed to just stand there and watch it happen.

Now in case you don’t know me well, you must know one thing: I love. People only have to know me for a short while to figure out that I am a passionate person and that everything I do comes from the depths of my heart. I can’t do anything halfheartedly or else I quit and direct my focus somewhere else. Once I’ve given my heart to anything, be it live or inanimate, taking that love away is harder than anything else I try to do.

And yet that’s where I found myself at the end of the semester: my heart broken and my love a jumbled mess. As I had done for most of the semester, I pushed it all back, all the time knowing that my heart was nowhere near being complete again. Things I had once believed to be true I now questioned even though my mind told me I was being silly for questioning such basic questions, but I pushed all those thoughts as far back as I could.

It wouldn’t last. Every once in a while something would trigger my emotions and everything would come rushing back. That’s exactly what this week has been like: the current disappointments only reminded me of my past failures. Even though I was surrounded by people who loved and cared so much about me, the pain didn’t go away.

With tears falling down my face I began to talk to God, something I’ve not done nearly as much as I should have these past few weeks. Like so many times before, I asked the questions of why.

“Why did you allow everything to happen like it did?”

“Why are you allowing this right now?”

“Why does my heart have to break?”

The answer to that final question was pretty obvious since that has been a prayer of mine ever since the second semester started. One of my favorite songs says “Make me broken so I can be healed, ‘cause I’m so calloused that I can’t feel. I want to run to you with heart wide open. Make me broken.” I’ve come to realize in a real way that it’s by being broken that we can finally give our will and desires to God. You see, the questions I asked were not at the heart of the issue. I knew that God could and would work though any situation and that He had even now begun to use all the little heartaches I had felt for His good.

No, my real question was “how can I love again when I’m so scared of being hurt?” Seriously, how do you allow yourself to love anything after you keep having your heart torn apart by various situations?

That’s when God answered.

No, not in an audible way yet the answer was still ever so clear.

Isn’t that what I have done?

It hit me like a ton of bricks: God had His heart broken in the most horrible way. His race of humanity turned their backs completely on Him and then every single day showed Him how much they had rejected Him.

And yet God is love.

Yes, God loved!

He loved us enough to be separated from His Son and to allow the sins of the world to be placed on His shoulders. He watched His own Son die. How could that now break His heart all over again?! Sin is still a problem that dwells here on earth and the separation still remains even though redemption is sure. When you think about it, God’s heart has been in a state of broken heartedness for over six thousand years!

But God still is love.

God loves!

I don’t understand God’s heart, as much as I wish I did, so I don’t know exactly how He could love us after all that has happened however I know that it is bigger than anything I’ve ever experienced. God knows that even if there is pain involved with loving people, the pain won’t last forever and there’s a joy someday soon that cannot even be imagined waiting for all who accept Him.

You see, I guess I’m coming to the point that I’ve realized that I can’t help but love. Yes, it’s scary and there’s a good chance that since we’re dealing with humans, there’s a chance you will get hurt, yet the God who knows what it’s like to have a broken heart will be with you every step of the way and promises to make everything beautiful in its time. I want my heart to be whole and I know that through God that can happen, even if it’s not until heaven. And maybe it’s because I’m broken that I can reach out to those who are broken as well.

You see, I too want to be love.

I want to love!

Love...

"She has a wandering eye."

"He was never faithful to her."

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

"I knew that relationship was doomed from the start."

Probably all of us have heard comments like this said about a relationship. Maybe we've even had it said of us or said it ourselves about someone else. No matter how much we love our fairy-tales of "happily ever after", we ask ourselves how many relationships actually end up that way?

As a child you dream of that moment when you meet your prince or princess you are destined to marry. Your diary becomes filled with endless wonderings about who that person will be and if you've already met that magical person. You have your first crush and eventually your first boyfriend/girlfriend, and you think to yourself that this is the person you MUST be destined for!

Then you grow up. Suddenly you realize that relationships don't turn out like every Hallmark movie you watch around Christmas time. Prince Charming isn't quite so charming when he's mad at you and Cinderella doesn't act quite so sweet when she's angry. The drama of musicals such as Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera seems like a walk in the park compared to real life!

Yet even with all these findings, most of us will decide to say yes when the question of marriage is proposed. We'll think that marriage will solve every problem! And then one day, some of us may wake up to realize that the perfect dream we had as a child has turned into a nightmare of cheating and divorce.

We live in a world where faithfulness means nothing, both before and after the marriage vows. "What's the problem with a little fun here or there as long as our significant other doesn't find out?" seems to be the thought of our generation. Love has warped into simply a feeling without any commitment. Is it crazy to at some point begin to wonder if it is even worth it to love someone?

So then why in the world does God talk so much about us being His bride?! 

Like seriously, couldn't God had found some better way of describing our relationship with him???

But the odd thing is, when God talks of us as His bride, He's not painting a perfect picture of a happily-ever-after kind of relationship. Truth be told, it's more the complete opposite! 

The bride that is described by so many of the Old Testament prophets is temperamental and self seeking. She doesn't understand the ways of her Husband and resents Him for that. She's unfaithful and even a prostitute. She's nothing that anyone of "good" reputation should desire or seek after. 

As horrible as this person sounds, isn't it sobering to think about how this describes our relationship with God? We're a good Christian most of the time, especially when people are watching, but how quickly we'll push Jesus aside when it comes to satisfying our own wants and desires. We don't understand why God allows certain things in our lives and begin to view Him as someone who really doesn't have our best interests at heart. How many times do we find ourselves being unfaithful to God and chasing after thing that we think will bring us satisfaction?

So why should God care about us if this is who we are? Why doesn't He just give up on the notion of love? Is it worth it?

This morning I found a verse that sums it up perfectly.

"'They say 'If a man divorces his wife, and she goes from him and becomes another man's wife, may he return to her again?' Would not the land be greatly polluted? But you have played the harlot with many loves..'"

If the verse stopped there, we wouldn't have any hope but it continues by saying, 

"'Yet, return to Me,' says the LORD."        

                                                                                                            Jeremiah 3:1

The power in the word "yet"! To God it doesn't matter how many times we've walked away or fallen down. It doesn't matter what situation we might be in because He still wants us to come back to Him. The story of Hosea is one of the most powerful stories of that redeeming love. It didn't matter that Gomer had left Hosea to return to prostitution and now was enslaved because of her own free choices. Hosea was still to go and buy her freedom and bring her back, not as a servant but as his wife once again. 

How God can have so much love I do not know, but one thing I do know: that love will never fail or run out. When you realize what that kind of love is like, how can you not return back to God? How can it not drive you to realize that His love is greater than whatever you're holding onto. And if it has the power to draw you back to Him, what else can that love do for you and every struggle you face?

For me, realizing that makes me see how unworthy I am to even receive it! After all my failings, how can God want me to return to Him? Doesn't He have someone better to consider His own?

But isn't that what love is all about? Love is being committed and devoted to someone despite their failings. Love is seeing someone as precious in your sight even if others don't see them that way because you can see their heart. Love has nothing to do with anything the other person could do or say and isn't based on feelings or desires. If you tried to describe love to someone who had never experienced love, they would become completely lost and could never understand it's depth until they themselves had experienced it. Add in the fact that love is always growing and maturing, suddenly love becomes even more complicated! If love is so hard to understand in its entirety, how then are we to understand it?

Maybe it's not about understanding love but instead experiencing it that we can actually begin to "get it." 

So I don't know about you, but I want to know the love of Christ. I want to return to Him every time I stumble, and day by day, I think I'll begin to comprehend the crazy and impossible to understand love Christ has for me.

Why?

The hallway is silent except from the occasional sob that escapes from my lips. I’m thankful there’s no one around to witness the tears coming out of my eyes. I look down at my phone sitting on the window sill with a text message still on the screen. A fresh wave of emotions sweeps over me.

One question looms in my mind. As much as I try to push it away, it comes back with even more fervency. Finally when I can’t take it anymore, I ask the question aloud as I raise my eyes to the sky.

“Why?”

No answer.

“Why am I here?”

Still silence.

“Why did you call me to stay here? I know you told me to stay, but why?”

You see, last semester I had an opportunity to study abroad in England. Taking a semester off to experience a different culture has always been on my bucket list and the opportunity seemed perfect. Every reason in the world seemed to be pointing to me going, but after praying hard about this, God kept impressing me over and over again that I needed to stay. Sometimes I would doubt if I was really hearing correctly, but in the moments where I felt His presence the closest, I always knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was to stay at SAU for this coming semester. There were people here at Southern that He wanted me to be there for.

Then the semester started. Everything was great and wonderful! I was having a wonderful time and God was opening doors for ministry that I hadn’t expected. Yes, I knew that I had followed God’s leading!

But then four weeks into school, everything began to change.

I began to question if it really was God’s will that I was to be here at Southern this semester. If it was His will, then why did everything seem to be going so wrong? Why was there more pain in my life and more pain in other’s lives because I was here at SAU? Had I studied abroad, would all of this have happened?

As I stood beside the window, I kept asking that question. Again and again I kept asking God “why?”

And then it hit me.

Why do I have to know the “why?” Why do I need to know the reasoning behind the calling of God? Would knowing why actually help or instead would it make me so focused on fulfilling that “why” that I would forget the other purposes God has for me and my life? If I knew the answer, would I find myself trusting in God less?

Give it all to me, God seemed to be saying, your doubts and fears, your pain and tears. Surrender it all to me and let me take care of the why. And in due time, perhaps you will see why I’ve called you here at this specific time. It’s through all of this that I can show you my love and you can trust me like you never have before.

Alright God, I’ll give it all to you. That was the prayer of my heart that night and it continues to be with each passing day. A verse that I have held onto during the past month is Proverbs 3:5, 6 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways submit to, and He will make your path straight.” That includes the times where everything around you seems wrong. As a friend once told me, sometimes you need to go blindly into the darkness until God shows you the light switch.

It hasn’t been easy! I don’t want to give God every situation or trust Him completely, especially in the dark. Some things seem too precious to completely give into His hands. Yet why do I hold on to them? What good can I, as a feeble human, really do to fix the problems in my world? Even though it’s a struggle, I have found that there is no better place to be at than with your life completely in God’s hands. It is not always comfortable, but there is trust that can only be found in Him.

So even though I do not have all the answers, even though I still wonder why God called me to stay here, I’m going to trust. Blindly and wholly on the Rock that is higher than I, who’s thoughts are better than mine, and who can hold me in the palm of His hand. 

Clinging

What do you do when life seems to be so normal and uncomplicated and then in one night, everything changes?

What do you do when you feel as though you are climbing Mount Everest with only a pick-ax and a old pair of tennis shoes, seeming to slip right back from where you came?

What do you do when you cry yourself to sleep, desperately wanting guidance from God yet when you hear the words from above, you're afraid to follow them?

What do you do when life seems confusing and troubling?

What do you do when you're emotionally spent yet something else happens to break you down again?

You cling.

You cling to Jesus as you never have before.

It's strange but it's always in these hard times that we see Jesus for who He really is: the comforter of the brokenhearted, the healer of deepest pain, the light in the darkest night. He never seems to be quite as real when the sun is shining brightly and life just seems to be perfect.

But it's hard to cling to someone you can't see.

It's so much easier to find comfort in those around, you yet that comfort never quite satisfies.

I love Proverbs 3:5 and 6 because of the power in it's words: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight."

We're so feeble as humans. Our heat and mind will say completely opposite things so how in the world are we suppose to decide what to do? Well, according to this verse we don't follow either. There's only one person in the world that we can put trust in and know that they can never fail us. He's the one that will guide us though whatever storm comes our way.

When reading the Bible, you have to wonder how people like Joseph kept his faith when everything fell apart or how John the Baptist could still have faith in Jesus the seconds before they put an end to his life. Now I've certainly never been under persecution or put in jail for following my God! Yet even in such tough times, they held fast to God. Nothing was going to shake their faith and through it their faith increased.

I want to cling to God. I don't want anything to shake me from His arms of protection and love. I want to know that He is always holding me. I know I can't do it on my own. My own grip is weak and trembling, but I know that although it may seem like I'm holding on to Him, He is actually holding on to me with His strong hands that will never, ever let go.

He's the one clinging.

He's the one that will not let me go.

Less than Qualified

He was only a child: separated from his parents because of a vow and bombarded by negative influences.

She was only a housewife: respected by her people but living in a troublesome time.

He was only a prisoner: Betrayed, tempted, and wrongly accused.

She was only a girl: young, sickly, and uneducated.

Yet it was Samuel that God called to be His voice after years of little counsel being given by the Lord. Though no more than 6 years only when He first entered into the sanctuary, he didn’t allow the influence of Eli’s sons to cause him to sin against his God.

It was Deborah who was called to lead the army of Israel because the warrior Barak didn’t have enough faith in God. Never mind that she was married and living in a time where the very thought of a woman going to war shook the very foundations of their society, she was going to follow God’s guidance no matter what the people around her might think of her decision.

It was Joseph that was called to save entire countries. Taken from his family in his youth and brought into the house of Potiphar. Joseph stood firm when his master wife showed him an easy way out of his bondage (something not unheard of in his day) and was willing to be killed rather than disobey his master and his God. Then after being brought so low, he was raised up to second in command of the known world and became the savoir of those who had treated him cruelly.

It was Ellen White that God called to be his prophet after others had turned down God’s offer. Although a wife and mother, she traveled extensively sharing the gospel and helping to organize the Seventh-day Adventist church.

No wonder that in Joel 2:28-29, God makes no distinction to the men and women He will call in the last days, both young and old, to spread the gospel to the ends of the earth.

“And it shall come to pass afterward

That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;

Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,

Your old men shall dream dreams,

Your young men shall see visions.

And also on My menservants and on My maidservants

I will pour out My Spirit in those days.”

It makes you wonder what God really looks at when He is calling someone into ministry. I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine God saying, “This person would touch so many lives as a missionary, but they are just too young, even though I can give them the strength to face any obstacle that might be in their way” or “This person would impact so many for my kingdom, but I’m not sure if I can call someone who is not a man in his 20s.”

The words spoken to Samuel by the Lord when Samuel was looking for the new king (who ended up being one of the most unlikely candidates) were, “…The Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

What makes a person fit for ministry? Simply the calling of God.

End of story.

To Go or Stay

"I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,

O’er mountain or plain or sea.

I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord;

I’ll be what you want me to be."

As Adventists, we put a lot of emphasis on going where God wants us to go. One of our favorite verses to recite is “Go, therefore, and make disciples…” We sing songs that talk about “Going afar upon the mountain” and push for missionaries into go into ALL the earth.

Maybe it is because we feel that in going somewhere remote (be it on Kenya's Savannah or a rice field in China), we are becoming the brave souls that mission stories emphasize. Or is it because we feel that when we “go” we reach a higher spirituality than those who “stay.”

Yet is it possible that sometimes God calls us to stay?

This concept is somewhat new to me, perhaps because I’ve heard in church, “Go be a missionary! But if adventure, complete trust in God, and your relationship with Him isn’t strong enough...then I guess you can be a missionary wherever you are at.”

Okay, so maybe people haven’t actually said this but I think that sometimes this is the impression that is given. Yes, in the Bible we find stories of people like Daniel, Joseph, Little Maid, Paul, etc. that ministered to people far from home yet the Bible also tell stories of those who were called to stay. Jesus after all remained in Nazareth for 30 years before God called Him to begin His ministry. And then there are the stories like Elijah running from Jezebel where people ended up in trouble for going where God had not called them.

Going when God calls us to go and staying when God wants us to stay has been echoed by several of the staff here at Au Sable. With so many leaving camp for the summer and the discussion of plans for the future, I’ve thought even more about it.

Now before you start your protests, I don’t mean by any means that “staying” equals not doing anything. On the contrary, it means just as much work and intentionality as “going.” In fact by staying, there is sometimes an even a greater need for purpose and determination because it’s so easy to fall away from what God is calling us to do when we are not completely removed from our comfort zone. As pointed out by many, sometimes the hardest mission field is the one closest to home.

You see, it’s never been about the location when it comes to God’s calling. You could be at the perfect place for ministry yet if that’s not where God has called you, your efforts will be fruitless. Dare I even say it’s not about you, for God could use a million other ways to reach souls, but instead it’s about Him and the work He will do through you.

Which brings me to the whole “women’s ordination” thing…

What would happen if we put less emphasis on the person doing the work and instead focused on the One who has called that person to ministry and the work that He alone has ordained? Maybe the whole question about ordination would become just a bit less meaningful as we would suddenly realize that it is the commissioning of God on men and women that actually carries the importance. I could go on but that’s a subject for another post!

So what is the point of all these words? Simply that there is no difference where you work for God. What matters is the calling He has placed on your life and the way you respond to that call, whether it is to go or stay.

Believing Again

As I stare into the blackness surrounding, a tear trickles down my cheek. I drown out the chatter of the awaiting campers at the Friday night passion play and as I lean against the wall, everything else seems to fade away.

So this is the reason that I’m standing here now. You knew God, even when I doubted.

The backstory to this day begins at the very beginning of camp. As soon as I heard of the 3 Part Play that takes place every year at Au Sable, I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Once auditions rolled around, I couldn’t wait to try out for some of the major roles, but when casting was decided, I ended up with a small role in the Passion Play on Friday night. In selfishness, I began wondering why, when God knew I loves acting more than anything else in the world, He was only allowing me to act for less than 4 minutes per week.

Last Friday night I was with my girls at the gym when I noticed one of the girls sitting away from the group, obviously distraught. I walked over to sit down by her and asked her what was wrong. At first she didn’t say much, only keeping the conversation at surface level. Slowly her walls began to break down and she began to cry. She told me about her life, things she said she had never told anyone else before. Abuse, both mental, physical, and sexual, had been a part of her childhood and the guilt she had been carrying around because of this seemed more that such a young girl could handle. Yet this was her life, a life still filled with abuse. She had spent her life feeling like she was damaged goods and having been judged by those very people who were abusing her. As she opened up, she would ask me what she should do about these situations, so many of them impossible for there to be any fast or easy solution.

Although I talked with her for an hour and a half, you could tell that she was having a hard time understanding how God could love her. Although I wished that we could talk more, I had to leave her with another staff member that were part of the cabin family (staff that have been assigned to specific cabins so that they can interact with the campers) because the evening program was going to start in no time at all.

As I ran/walked the mile or so to the Pathfinder Pavilion, I kept thinking about our conversation and praying constantly for her. I rushed to get into my costume and quickly took out the braids that where there to create messy waves in my hair. As the overhead lights turned off and the campers began to file in, I finally had a moment to take it all in.

And that’s when I realized fully that my role in the passion play completely mirrored the feeling of this young girl. You see, my character was the woman caught in adultery. The shame and guilt my camper had felt her whole life echoed what this women (perhaps Mary Magdalene) experienced when thrown at Jesus’ feet.

Think about it. It’s one thing to be caught in sin and taken outside of the city to be killed. It’s a complete different thing to be brought to the most holy place in Jerusalem to a man who has already tried to save you, yet for whatever reason you’ve turned your back on Him and returned to the darkness. You know how you will be viewed in His eyes.

A hopeless cause.

Completely broken and beyond repair.

Getting what is rightly deserved.

How else could He view you?

But instead He is silent as those hypocritical, self-righteous men weave words of charm to trap Him as they have trapped you.  He’s thinking of their sins, not yours. Without spoken words, He silences their charges and with only the movement of His finger, He causes the stones to fall from their hands.

And then when it’s just you and Him, He picks you up from the ground and tells you that although He knows of your sins, He sees a better life for you to live. He loves you in spite of what you’ve done and nothing you could ever do would change that fact. And He’s waiting, waiting for you to make a decision to allow Him to take charge of your life and transform the life you’ve been living into one of completeness and joy.

When my camper stood up when the pastor called for those to stand who wanted to give their lives to Jesus for the first time and then walked to the front to show she wanted to be baptized, I couldn’t hold back a single tear. Through the play she had finally come to understand God’s amazing love and in our cabins journal, she wrote that she now believed again in a God out there who loved her no matter what.

That’s what camp ministry is all about: showing campers the love of Jesus so that they can believe in Him again, either for the first time or for the hundredth time. It's about showing them a love beyond anything they've ever experienced here on earth and making it real in their lives.