(Un)Spoken Words

"God's working in powerful ways!" But right now I don't feel like I've seen Him work in any extraordinary way at my church.

"Brazil is great!" But I feel tired 24-7 and I'm counting down the days until I get back.

"The people are wonderful!" But I sometimes feel alone and left out when I can't understand the language.

"Our group works together so well!" But you don't see the little arguments that tear our group apart.

"God definitely put me here for a purpose!" But as I look out over Feira de Santana, I'm questioning my calling to come here.

Have you ever written something to someone and laughed at the hypocrisy in your message?

Have you shaken you head at the "correct" responses you've given to people when you know the opposite is true?

Have you questioned the fake and shallow way we talk to each other on a daily basis?

You see, behind all the positive things I've said about Brazil (don't get me wrong, those things I do truly believe) is a girl that is struggling. Questions about if this really is where God wants me to be have repeated themselves in my mind for the past week. As people come back with powerful stories about the teary eyed people who respond to baptism and the deeply theological conversations they are having with church members, I ask myself what am I doing wrong. Evangelists aren't supposed to struggle, right? Mission trips are about answering questions about God's future calling for your life, correct? 

Yet I don't find anywhere in the Bible a place where it says, "You'll never doubt why you've been lead to this point." Instead God says, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them." (Isaiah 42:16) God's paths are not always like the highways of America but more like the dark and wet pebble stone alleyways of Bahia. No where does God promise that we will see immediate results from our work. Yes, we find stories in the Bible of entire cities being converted by the preaching of one person, but we also find prophets who spent their whole lives working to prepare people's hearts for Hod who rarely saw the fruit of their labor. Working for God doesn't mean always feeling happy or fulfilled.

So what is God trying to teach me in all of this? I don't know. Prepare yourselves because I'll probably have quite a few more blog post in the future that come to this same conclusion! Right now as I think about it, I wonder who God didn't send someone more qualified, someones closer to Him, someone who could produce baptisms in the double digits. I can guarantee you there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who fit the job description better than I! Yet here I am, broken and messed up, discouraged and worn, and wishing to be home. Although I know I'm undeserving and feeling completely without strength, still I cry out:

"Here I am, God; use me!"